Goldieknots Montana
Creating Connections One Fleece at a Time
Today is Bittersweet…
Today is bittersweet…
While on one hand, it was one of the happiest days of my life, today is also marked with the knowing that wishing my daughter Happy Birthday will go nowhere. I’m going to choose to focus on the happiest remembrances of this day.
You see, on this day 33 years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My pregnancy with her had been a challenging one. I went into labor at 20 weeks. They stopped the contractions and three weeks later, I went into labor again. I was placed on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy (just about 3 months).
I was told (twice) I couldn’t have children. I proved them wrong the first time, so when they said I couldn’t get pregnant, and if I did I wouldn’t carry to full term, I didn’t believe them. Maybe they were right the second time. At any rate, I wouldn’t have traded the experience for anything in the world.
Jessalyn was born at about one in the afternoon on June 9, 1993 at the Naval Hospital at Camp Pendleton in California. She was absolutely beautiful, and from the first moment, and every moment thereafter, always had a mind of her own.
As she grew up, she sang, she danced, she played with dolls, trucks, and loved her stuffed animals. As she got older, her love for animals and singing grew.
Due to a divorce, Jessalyn and I moved to Montana where my dad gave me (and technically us) a new start. Lincoln was a tough place for a city girl like Jes who loved to sing, dance, and had her own unique style in everything she did. She was never the girl who was meant to fit in – she was always the one to stand out. While she had a few close friends, Lincoln was clearly not the place for this amazing soul. She made it through high school and then went back to what she loved. Philadelphia, the city, and her dad’s family. She went back to what was familiar to her and what felt right in her heart. I missed her like a limb, but raising our children to be happy, independent, follow their own dreams and ultimately, live their own lives, is what we as parents do.
Since she moved, there have been good times, bad times, ups, downs, highs and lows. If you’ve been following this blog, you already know the heartache I’ve experienced since the beginning of this year when she decided she no longer wanted to have contact with me.
It’s been a long six months without having a single conversations or saying or hearing the single phrase, “I Love You.” Six months of having no idea what’s going on in her life. How her new school adventure has been working out. How the dogs and cats are. How she is. How the new house is coming along. How her boyfriend is. What fun things she’s been up to. How her new job is going. It’s been six months of nothing.
And, while she may never see this, respond the the Happy Birthday text I sent early this morning, or even open the birthday card I sent, I hope somewhere in her heart she knows how much I love and miss her – and how much I care. I truly hope she has a wonderful birthday celebrating it in a way that continues to make her happy. I hope she has the most amazing year with so much love, luck, fortune, and the things she’s dreamed of.
If you know my daughter, please wish her the happiest of birthdays – not from me – from you. And if you happen to be celebrating a birthday today, too (like Jessalyn’s Grandma Linda or my friend Sandy), here’s wishing you the very happiest of birthdays and a year filled with all the things you love too!
Tammy I am so sorry to here of this and the heartache you are feeling. You are such an amazing cheerful person … I cannot conceive of a reason she has cut you off. I hppe someday she changes her mind or sees the light that you only have one Mom in this world. And no one will ever love you they way they do. I am aorry for your hurt and bruised heart.
Big hug from your friend